I should invest in Tylenol PM…
I can’t sleep. My head is to chaotic right now. So much just going on. I laid down and I started to think about Highland of all things. And how I miss it there. Random yes. I miss my grill, and the people who work there even though they drove me insane! An none of this makes sense because I have been in the best of moods lately…
I feel like Umart has turned me into something I didn’t want to be. I feel like I have become a worse manager there. And I don’t know why. The people there are just so different. My annoyance level has gone up as well. People are just rude when they come in there. Some times its as if I am the only one who cares. Everyone else either doesn’t say say anything because they are afraid of conflict or they just don’t care enough to do what they are supposed to do. At Highland everyone knew their job, everyone worked together, and they knew that if they didn’t do it right they’d have to do it again until they got it right. So they just did it right the first time.
I am tired of feeling as if I take the backseat for people. Why is it so hard to talk to someone? Why do I have to be there when they want to talk or hang out but whenever I want to talk its not important? Why is it apparently okay to ignore me? Why is it so easy to get under my skin? Why am I not good enough for you? I don’t get it. I don’t understand how if there is no “chemistry” you are able to just do it. Why am I the only one who ever feels anything for the other person? There is so much I’d like to say but I already know the responses I will get. So what’s the point? There is no point. It’s a waste of breath and time. Either you’re going to say I am over reacting and I need to relax and not make a big deal about it. Or YOU’RE just not going to say anything at all because I made you uncomfortable. I am always there for people. They have learned this fact. But who do I get to turn to when I just want to talk…when I am having moments like this…? There is no one. I just want to scream…or breakdown. If I don’t put forth the effort and I know you won’t then what’s left…? I am sorry I try so hard I guess. But at the same time I’m not. I don’t mind being the only one putting forth the effort, I just want some sort of return in the end I guess…a “pot of gold” at the end of the rainbow.” I just feel used…
Why do you ignore the way that I look at you? Are you blind?
I miss my old life. Things were so much easier in a way. It was easier to ignore things. But I can’t do that anymore! I have forgotten how. I just want to go back.
I miss my family. Haha. Like no other. I want to go home. But when is there time? There is no time. Ever. I work all the time. I just need to get away for a weekend. Go somewhere where I can forget life for a short time. I want to go see my brother. I want to see my mom. My nieces…
My body is tired, but my head just won’t stop…I feel like I am reverting back to who I used to be mentally and it kinda scares me to be honest. I don’t like my old mental process’. They were bad haha. Like I have to put on my smile again rather than it being genuine. Lying to people all the time about being okay. And them actually believing me. Its funny kinda, when someone asks you how you’re doing and you can see in their eyes that they aren’t really okay or hear it in the tone of their voice most people choose to believe it rather than just call them out on it because half the time they just don’t want to initiate THAT conversation since they don’t want to bore you with the problem or issue but they want to talk about it. They just want you to tell them “thats a lie” so that they can see you care. I personally do that…I’ve met maybe one other who will do that. Everyone else just ignores it. And pretends that everything is okay…
I need to get my “journal” off my desktop, I feel like its time to break that thing back out. It helps.
I am stressing over sand and I shouldn’t be, its just hard not to these days.
